QUOTE OF THE MOMENT!
"I would offer moral support, but my morals are a bit...questionable..."
I'll start off by saying thank you for the QotM up there. I started reading a lot of FanFiction, and have found one I love. It makes me laugh a lot so I'm going to borrow random QotMs to post here. Here's the link to the particular FF I'm enjoying.
Alrighty then. Let's get started.
I started the day off in a crap mood, which is always a bad thing. I wish I could blame it on depression but no, not this time. The sudden realization that I might need to get "This" all out came at lunch.
Chase and I had gone to Harvey's to get him something to eat. I'd already eaten, so I just tagged along. The conversation started with me saying, "So why are you huffing now?" To which he responded, "I'm just trying to figure what I did this time to put you in a mood." This started it. I proceeded to tell him that as much as I would like to be angry at him for what I considered to be very poor money management, I couldn't. Simply because I had already blown through my income tax refund and had nothing to show for it. The hypocrisy of it stuck in my throat and threatened to drown me in guilt. Still does.
I finally told him something I had never planned on saying, let alone acknowledging I had thought it. I hated it, but it was out before I could really censor myself. "God knows, I don't want to, but honestly, I would sacrifice our relationship if it meant you could get your transplants and be healthy again. Then, later on, we could work on us." Ouch. I couldn't even look at him after I said that. My head hurt and my eyes burned and I wanted to cry. The force of truth behind it was so great, I felt for a moment that I had finally given up. I had only him to lose, but I would do it if it meant he could lose the weight, get on the list, get the transplants and get healthy again.
This... funk... has followed me all day. Actually, to be perfectly honest, it's been there for a while.
I get mad at him for not helping around the house, even though I'm a very poor housekeeper myself. (But really, how hard is it to do dishes when you have a dishwasher?!) That's the biggest bone of contention right there. And it doesn't help when I hear "Don't you DARE get mad at him for not doing housework! You don't keep a clean house, so why the HELL are you bitchin' at him?! He NEVER had to do anything like that when he was growing up." Yeah and when you do it for 'em, then you keep doing it for'em and shit never changes. Does it? Nope. -sigh-
The funniest part is that she told me just last night that she knows none of this (Chase's medical issues) is completely my fault, and she wishes she could just put all the blame on me. My response? "Yeah, but it's just easier that way sometimes." What. The. Hell. -urg- Why, you might ask, is this funny to me? Well, the whole time she's going on about blame and so forth, I'm creating a spreadsheet for a job she doing. Yep.
I was told not too long ago that she's glad I have such broad shoulders to handle all the crap that gets thrown my way. And right after I get cursed at and blown out, what does she say to his dad? "She's got broad shoulders. She can handle it."
I wish crying solved things when you're hurt. I've made myself sick, literally, from all of it. Even as I sit here, I would love to just let go. But I don't because it solves nothing.
So how do I cope? Good question. I'm lazy. Years of carefully cultivated procrastination put to good use. I cook but then I eat too much. I don't exercise because I have no motivation and I can talk myself out of anything. And I read. Good God, my head is in the clouds so often these days. I can and will read for hours a day. Books, FanFiction.net, magazines, FaceBook. The list goes on. I don't like to watch TV very much but god forbid I miss Doctor Who. (BTW, the new season starts April 23rd! -fangirl!squee-) But it's okay because I've already watched all the new seasons.
I guess what I'm really saying here is that yes, I do have a problem with depression, self-confidence, motivation and procrastination. I take the blame for everyone else's problems even when they don't take any advice I might be able to offer. I miss my friends and family intensely. The guilt of not contributing financially weights me down so much everyday. And the anger. God, the anger. It darkens my soul.
I started the day off in a crap mood, which is always a bad thing. I wish I could blame it on depression but no, not this time. The sudden realization that I might need to get "This" all out came at lunch.
Chase and I had gone to Harvey's to get him something to eat. I'd already eaten, so I just tagged along. The conversation started with me saying, "So why are you huffing now?" To which he responded, "I'm just trying to figure what I did this time to put you in a mood." This started it. I proceeded to tell him that as much as I would like to be angry at him for what I considered to be very poor money management, I couldn't. Simply because I had already blown through my income tax refund and had nothing to show for it. The hypocrisy of it stuck in my throat and threatened to drown me in guilt. Still does.
I finally told him something I had never planned on saying, let alone acknowledging I had thought it. I hated it, but it was out before I could really censor myself. "God knows, I don't want to, but honestly, I would sacrifice our relationship if it meant you could get your transplants and be healthy again. Then, later on, we could work on us." Ouch. I couldn't even look at him after I said that. My head hurt and my eyes burned and I wanted to cry. The force of truth behind it was so great, I felt for a moment that I had finally given up. I had only him to lose, but I would do it if it meant he could lose the weight, get on the list, get the transplants and get healthy again.
This... funk... has followed me all day. Actually, to be perfectly honest, it's been there for a while.
I get mad at him for not helping around the house, even though I'm a very poor housekeeper myself. (But really, how hard is it to do dishes when you have a dishwasher?!) That's the biggest bone of contention right there. And it doesn't help when I hear "Don't you DARE get mad at him for not doing housework! You don't keep a clean house, so why the HELL are you bitchin' at him?! He NEVER had to do anything like that when he was growing up." Yeah and when you do it for 'em, then you keep doing it for'em and shit never changes. Does it? Nope. -sigh-
The funniest part is that she told me just last night that she knows none of this (Chase's medical issues) is completely my fault, and she wishes she could just put all the blame on me. My response? "Yeah, but it's just easier that way sometimes." What. The. Hell. -urg- Why, you might ask, is this funny to me? Well, the whole time she's going on about blame and so forth, I'm creating a spreadsheet for a job she doing. Yep.
I was told not too long ago that she's glad I have such broad shoulders to handle all the crap that gets thrown my way. And right after I get cursed at and blown out, what does she say to his dad? "She's got broad shoulders. She can handle it."
I wish crying solved things when you're hurt. I've made myself sick, literally, from all of it. Even as I sit here, I would love to just let go. But I don't because it solves nothing.
So how do I cope? Good question. I'm lazy. Years of carefully cultivated procrastination put to good use. I cook but then I eat too much. I don't exercise because I have no motivation and I can talk myself out of anything. And I read. Good God, my head is in the clouds so often these days. I can and will read for hours a day. Books, FanFiction.net, magazines, FaceBook. The list goes on. I don't like to watch TV very much but god forbid I miss Doctor Who. (BTW, the new season starts April 23rd! -fangirl!squee-) But it's okay because I've already watched all the new seasons.
I guess what I'm really saying here is that yes, I do have a problem with depression, self-confidence, motivation and procrastination. I take the blame for everyone else's problems even when they don't take any advice I might be able to offer. I miss my friends and family intensely. The guilt of not contributing financially weights me down so much everyday. And the anger. God, the anger. It darkens my soul.
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