A New Beginning...?

"Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born."

-Anais Nin


Chase is one of the strongest people I know, but he's also extremely hard on himself. 

Someone once said that you are your own worst critic, and he's the epitome of the adage. 

We both fight with our own bouts of depression, but his can be so much worse than mine at times. Luckily, I can manage my "dark times" a little better at times. However, during one of our late-night on-the-porch conversations, I encouraged him to work on his writing. It'd be a great thing for both of us to use the Writers' Workbox exercises, to use our blogs (still hate that word) to get "it" all out when it becomes too loud in our heads. 

I'm proud of him too. The things he's been going through would bring most people to their knees. So I'm very happy that he's making something out of our conversation. 

Hopefully, this will prompt him to work on his book. Maybe I can get something done with mine too! 

*love*

 QUOTE OF THE MOMENT! 

"It's a sad society that is more willing to embrace two men holding guns than those men holding hands."

So I started writing. Really, this time. And in true geek fashion, it started out as fanfic. Doctor Who, of course, because I'm so in love with it.

I think having my own time-traveling alien would do wonders for me!

For anyone interested:
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7902238/1/Everything_Has_Its_Time

Criticism, hints, tips, and idea accepted readily.

Bitch, bitch, bitch, moan, groan, gripe and complain.

"Now there goes a woman who knows what she wants, and then goes out and kidnaps it."

***EDITED***

Yeah. No.

 QUOTE OF THE MOMENT!

"Some people seem to exist solely to tempt the laws against killing them in ways they're entirely deserving of."

It's raining in Starkville right now.
It's been thundering quite heavily for a few hours now so it was expected, to say the least.
But when the rain starts and the temperature drops, the breeze picks up just a bit and the smell is fantastic.
Wet, hot concrete steams up, cooling in the rain from the heat of the day and the smell of green and earth from the plants and trees starts swirling in the air.
My little hummingbirds are still flitting about, dancing and chirping and acting like children on a sugar high.
Lena the Cat is laid out behind my laptop, watching them and watching the rain and just enjoying the summer sprinkle.
Off to the west (-ish), the sunlight is lighting up the remaining clouds in the sky. It reminds me of sheets hanging out to dry on the line: all bright white and fluttering in the wind and almost blinding in the reflections of the sun.
The rain is starting to slow and dissipate to a misting as the darker clouds pass by. You can even see the bright, bright blue sky peeking through.
It's really very beautiful.

How lucky are we to have such a beautiful home? It amazes me when I find the wherewithal to stop. So when I do find the time and I have the inclination, when I find that little bit of peace inside me and can quiet my mind, I do.
I stop.
I close my eyes and tilt back my head, relax my body and release my mind.
I Feel.
(Yes, it does require the capitalization because it's the only way to give it the significance and power the word actually brings out.)
I Feel the stillness in me that knows the rest of the world. It's still spinning and revolving and breathing and living and dying and glowing that gorgeous mixture of my little blue and green planet.
I swear sometimes, I can Feel the spin and the movement and the hesitant inhale-exhale, and it's positively overwhelming.
I love it.
No.
Love it. (Yes, that requires it too.)
If I weren't holding so tightly to the tethers and ties and bindings and more, I'd let go and fly.

  QUOTE OF THE MOMENT! 

"Anyone who doesn't like cats was a mouse in a past life."

I'm unemployed.  Everyone who knows me, knows this.  Well, not really unemployed.  Just sort of 'occupied' at the moment with things that are slightly more important.  At least, I think so.

I'd love to have a job and some income.  Money makes loads of things easier.  Especially if you're like me and can't stand to be stuck in one place for too long.  Would've been a gypsy, too, but I got distracted. 

Either way, I can say I'm 'content'.  For the moment.  Oh sure, one of these days, I'm leaving the country, one way or another.  Gonna travel and see things and meet people and go places I've always wanted.  Probably end up in the UK since that's where I seem to feel pulled.  Venice, Greece, China, Japan, Scotland for sure, and Ireland, too.  Cardiff because I was to see the site where they film the Torchwood hub (if it's real), London and Manchester, Belgium, Germany.  Mongolia... weird... Tibet and Nepal.  I'd love to spend time at the monasteries and maybe learn to find myself. ;)

Regardless.

Right now, I'm sitting outside the house in Starkville, reading too much fan fiction (cause I'm a dork and I love The Doctor), drinking my tea and just being.  It feels like a vacation although it's far from it.  For a little while, I give myself permission to not worry. 

Maybe that's why I've been living in the clouds so much lately.  Reading keeps me away from the world at large.  The first thought I had just as I wrote that was "Maybe my mind needs some time to heal."  But from what?  Silly question, I know.  Won't know what you're healing from until it's gone and over and things are back to 'normal'.  Then you find out what happened and you go on with your life, changed into whatever you've become.

I'm willing to wait but my patience is running thin.  Sometimes I feel like my time is too, but that's another story for another day.

 QUOTE OF THE MOMENT!

"What's going to happen in 2012? Alright, I'll tell you. The whole universe is going to split open, and the world as we know it will be changed evermore. Lord Voldemort will arise from the depths of Mount Doom, the Death Star will join forces with Galactus to destroy every world between us and them, the Daleks will invade moments before Godzilla awakens from his slumber, Lex Luther will invent HAL and unleash him upon our electronics, the Borg will begin the assimilation somewhere in North America, and you people really are idiots, aren't you?"

Nothing is perfect no matter how hard we - as a race or as individuals - try to make it.  We can strive forever to accomplish something so complicated and demanding, while refusing to see that sometimes the simplest things in life are the most rewarding.

Now where to begin?

I wish I had my camera....

Vah! Denuone Latine loquebar? Me ineptum. Interdum modo elabitur.

   - Oh! Was I speaking Latin again? Silly me. Sometimes it just sort of slips out.

  QUOTE OF THE MOMENT! 

"Friends are all souls that we've known in other lives.  We're drawn to each other.  That's how I feel about friends.  Even if I've only known them for a day, it doesn't matter.  I'm not going to wait till I've known them two years, because anyway we have met somewhere before, you know."

Strangest thing happened.

Ever had a dream that you weren't sure was really a dream?  Yeah.  That happened last night/this morning (cause I'm not sure what time it was but I know it was daylight when I woke up and before noon ;).  I wish I could begin to describe where I was, what I saw, what I heard, smelled, tasted or felt, but I can't seem to put words to it.  Surreal is the best description, but since it was a dream... yeah.  Honestly, it felt like all of my senses were engaged to the fullest but without the pesky sensory overload.  It was quite simply the most beautiful, powerful and terrifying thing.  Chase called it a "God moment" and I can't help but agree.

I'm, what I believe most would call, spiritual.  I feel it is not my place to put a name or gender to whatever it is that governs life, destiny, fate, etc.  But it is beautiful.

Regardless, this was ... well, you can imagine.  Then one thing was said: "When will you go back to being yourself again?"  It hurt, too. Not because of what was said but how.  Words spoken aloud to someone are directed from the lungs and throat, lips, teeth and tongue to produce to words that will be directed and delivered to the ears and brain.  These words, and the emotion and body language associated with them, are then translated into something familiar and understandable for the recipient. The recipient then reacts and reciprocates.  Alright.  Grand.  But when something bypasses ALL of that, when the words you heard are "spoken" in a language that is not a language, directly to your soul, to your Self, to everything that makes you You...  It feels binding and releasing at the same time.  Like Love.

When I think about it now, it is awesome.  Not, as Eddie Izzard said, "...like a hot dog." Awesome in the originally defined sense. Causing awe or terror; inspiring wonder or excitement; Excellent, exciting, remarkable. (Check it out!  Funny stuff, man...)

Eddie Izzard - Awesome 

I "heard" those words and had a second to absorb it into Myself.  Then I woke up.  Not jerking awake as if from a bad dream or if someone had rung the doorbell. Not even blearily so, like I would if the alarm clock had just roused me from a deep sleep and I now needed to destroy the vile machine.  No.  I simply opened my eyes, awake, alert and aware.

And even though I was in bed before midnight and asleep before 4 a.m. (A really good book is my excuse.), I was awake at 8:30 a.m.  The delivery driver for Chase's dialysis supplies showed up and we moved all of that inside.  I had tea and toast for breakfast by 9 a.m.  And I was content.  Happy.  I even told the driver (Eric - nice guy, too.) that today would be a good day.  Strangely enough, I told him this as I was in the grips of a particularly strong bout of deja vu and didn't realize I had said it until it was coming out of my mouth.  (I had to explain what that was to him! haha)

So as odd as the day began, it continues pretty damn good.  And if someone else had told me this had happened to them, I'd probably think they were crazy or needed a few more hours of sleep.  So what do I say to myself?

I think this period of self-reflection and discovery is ... well, ... coming along.

Now for a cup of tea and a good book.  I think I'll open the front door and watch the rain and storms pass through.  Yeah.  Good stuff.

Eat, Pray, Love

 QUOTE OF THE MOMENT!
"I would offer moral support, but my morals are a bit...questionable..."

I'll start off by saying thank you for the QotM up there.  I started reading a lot of FanFiction, and have found one I love.  It makes me laugh a lot so I'm going to borrow random QotMs to post here.  Here's the link to the particular FF I'm enjoying. 

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3573288/What_If

Alrighty then. Let's get started.

I started the day off in a crap mood, which is always a bad thing.  I wish I could blame it on depression but no, not this time.  The sudden realization that I might need to get "This" all out came at lunch. 

Chase and I had gone to Harvey's to get him something to eat.  I'd already eaten, so I just tagged along.  The conversation started with me saying, "So why are you huffing now?"  To which he responded, "I'm just trying to figure what I did this time to put you in a mood."  This started it.  I proceeded to tell him that as much as I would like to be angry at him for what I considered to be very poor money management, I couldn't.  Simply because I had already blown through my income tax refund and had nothing to show for it.  The hypocrisy of it stuck in my throat and threatened to drown me in guilt.  Still does. 

I finally told him something I had never planned on saying, let alone acknowledging I had thought it.  I hated it, but it was out before I could really censor myself.  "God knows, I don't want to, but honestly, I would sacrifice our relationship if it meant you could get your transplants and be healthy again. Then, later on, we could work on us."  Ouch.  I couldn't even look at him after I said that. My head hurt and my eyes burned and I wanted to cry.  The force of truth behind it was so great, I felt for a moment that I had finally given up.  I had only him to lose, but I would do it if it meant he could lose the weight, get on the list, get the transplants and get healthy again. 

This... funk... has followed me all day.  Actually, to be perfectly honest, it's been there for a while.

I get mad at him for not helping around the house, even though I'm a very poor housekeeper myself.  (But really, how hard is it to do dishes when you have a dishwasher?!)  That's the biggest bone of contention right there.  And it doesn't help when I hear "Don't you DARE get mad at him for not doing housework!  You don't keep a clean house, so why the HELL are you bitchin' at him?!  He NEVER had to do anything like that when he was growing up."  Yeah and when you do it for 'em, then you keep doing it for'em and shit never changes.  Does it?  Nope. -sigh-

The funniest part is that she told me just last night that she knows none of this (Chase's medical issues) is completely my fault, and she wishes she could just put all the blame on me.  My response?  "Yeah, but it's just easier that way sometimes."  What.  The.  Hell. -urg-  Why, you might ask, is this funny to me?  Well, the whole time she's going on about blame and so forth, I'm creating a spreadsheet for a job she doing.  Yep. 

I was told not too long ago that she's glad I have such broad shoulders to handle all the crap that gets thrown my way.  And right after I get cursed at and blown out, what does she say to his dad?  "She's got broad shoulders.  She can handle it." 

I wish crying solved things when you're hurt.  I've made myself sick, literally, from all of it.  Even as I sit here, I would love to just let go.  But I don't because it solves nothing.

So how do I cope?  Good question.  I'm lazy.  Years of carefully cultivated procrastination put to good use.  I cook but then I eat too much.  I don't exercise because I have no motivation and I can talk myself out of anything.  And I read.  Good God, my head is in the clouds so often these days. I can and will read for hours a day. Books, FanFiction.net, magazines, FaceBook. The list goes on.  I don't like to watch TV very much but god forbid I miss Doctor Who.  (BTW, the new season starts April 23rd! -fangirl!squee-)  But it's okay because I've already watched all the new seasons. 

I guess what I'm really saying here is that yes, I do have a problem with depression, self-confidence, motivation and procrastination.  I take the blame for everyone else's problems even when they don't take any advice I might be able to offer.  I miss my friends and family intensely.  The guilt of not  contributing financially weights me down so much everyday.  And the anger. God, the anger.  It darkens my soul. 

Once again...

Well, of course, while at least one of those annoying little self-fulfilling prophecies would inevitably rear its ugly little head, it was not altogether completely intentional. I'm either just that good, or the little voices in my head decided to silence themselves for a while. Honestly, I can't decide which is the better alternative.

In the time I've "been away", my head has felt close to exploding so many times. I haven't written anything in so long that just doing this seems like an accomplishment. I guess, in a way, it is. However, I believe very strongly that even though I am quite mentally stable (Save the laughs for later, please!), sometimes I feel a little schizophrenic. Or bi-polar. Maybe even a touch of multiple personality disorder. Either way, I sincerely hope revamping this blog (A word I still dislike immensely.) will help in some way.

Let me back up a bit and explain why I decided to go this route again. It is March 9th, 2011 and currently 11:32 pm. Lent has just begun and, as many who know me can attest, I am not much one for following traditional Christian ideology. But this seems like a good time for a little self-re-evaluation. I've decided to give up cigarettes for 40 days, even though I've started late. I decided to delve deeper into myself too. What that will become, I honestly have no idea. And I decided to try to become a better person. I want to be proud of me. Simple as that.

Now as for why I would decide to air all of my personal laundry on the worldwide inner-google-twitter that hosts this blog (ack), well... To be honest:
1. My handwriting can start out very nice and neat, but after not too long, will warp and twist into something resembling an Ood.
2. Since I don't necessarily want to write it all out, typing seems to be the only other alternative.
3. I cannot allow myself to be sequestered in my own mind. I could keep each entry locked tight in a folder marked 'Taxes' where it would never see the light of day, but I don't think it wold accomplish anything.
4. I will need help.

Yes, this will become exactly what I named it: a Blog of Inane Chatter. Yes, I will probably embarrass the living shite out of myself and make other people angry. But as I've said before, I am prepared for that. Yes, it may become drivel, but I HAVE to do this.

Thanks.

I love this video.